Process

It seems, from the outside, that I have been negligent with my writing. It feels like that too, in some ways, even though I have been writing a lot. I think one of the hardest thing I have been trying to decide lately is what I want to do with my writing and so, also what I want to write about; I have been stuck in both areas. I don’t want to get tired of myself and I guess I felt I owed it to some unnameable force out there to constantly be changing, to not have discovered the voice I want to be writing in right now. After much reflection, I realized I am not ready to change courses; I have found what I want to talk about and now I just need to explore new ways within that to bring the conversation to light. I have much to learn, it seems, and the subject matter seems dense but it is all I can think about right now so, in fact, I owe it to myself to continue exploring. This means that I have a lot of half-drafts, repetitive poems, long-winded poems that haven’t quite arrived, and so on. But that is the process of writing. I cannot be everyone and I cannot try everything. This is a life lesson I am trying to apply to all areas of my life, as I try to balance a new degree I am embarking upon in the Sciences, with my interest in youth and education, as well as my own personal interest (and second, paralleling, career choice) of fitness and being a fitness coach. It is a lot. It seems that I don’t quite belong in any of the worlds I am interested in and it seems like it is time to scale back for a while, put my energies directly into only a couple of things. Like I said, I have been writing, but mostly to get something on the page; it’s hard to connect at that level when I am spending hours a night doing math homework. I am coming back around though, continuing this process. Writing, like fitness, has many parallels to life. It is a tool to explore one’s self and engage with that on an intimate level. It also shifts around a lot and changes shape. My poetry teacher once said that when you a hit a vein of creativity, of voice, that is really working for you, to bleed it dry for all its got because it isn’t going to last forever. So I think that is what I need to remember with my writing right now, and to block out all the other intrusions that pull me off track.

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